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His mouth, his hands, his thigh are all alive to my touch. “I’m not going home with you yet.” I explain my theory of necking in public: If we go home now, there’s nothing but our own self-control (dubious) to slow the rush to fucking, which could make the fucking boring. He feels like a top — a good one, with some sensuality amid the bossy behavior. What a long time to fantasize constantly about something and not do it. I can see every hallway in the building stacked up behind the zig-zagging banister to my left.
It seems ill-fated that I enter his number incorrectly into my phone and he has to hound me via email to nail down a plan: 7 p.m., wine bar downtown. But I want to put as much distance as possible between myself and the ex, and I’ve decided that other men make the best unit of measure. The portion of my gray matter dedicated to relationships has kept on having one — an obsessive one — with the ex, even though he isn’t around anymore to participate. We resume, a scuffle of hands, limbs and other anatomical attractions, until he comes. I straighten my dress and consider my panties, then shove them in the bottom of my handbag. Some part of me snapped back to life in that stairwell.
Since the breakup last month, any blank space in my mind gets filled with the same dismal diatribe: That after years of trying to mend my wicked, commitment-phobic ways; of abstaining from causal sex and dead-end drama (oh glorious drama, sweet nectar of youth) so that I could be pure and unencumbered when I finally met someone worthy of love, I was ultimately dumped by that pretentious hippie when it “got too serious.” The injustice! It needs something new to chew on — it hardly matters what or whom. I’m wearing my official First Date Dress: black, casual, just clingy enough. He looks just like his profile photo, tallish with dark hair and good shoulders. He leans in for the customary “nice to meet you” peck on the cheek — leans longer than customary. “Easy tiger,” I say “Let’s get a drink.” We make conversation about art we like, bars we like, shows we binge-watch. White drops shoot out and onto the linoleum floor, where they’ll be mopped up eventually by an unsuspecting janitor. We hold hands and walk downstairs, like we’re just another couple visiting friends in the building. It had been iced over by the belief that I’d outgrown my own sex drive, that women my age don’t crave or inspire that kind of adventure.
The instinct I had before meeting him resurfaces: There’s no there. Once we’re outside, all the pent-up noise erupts in laughter.
The connection we have is that of two culturally literate, socially aware grown-ups, adept at the art of banter. Our generational references are mismatched by five years. He finds the unicorn, aka my G-spot, which eluded my ex (not that he looked for it) and the last few gents before him. “Holy shit, that was awesome.” “I feel like we robbed a bank and didn’t get caught.” I’m giddy. He wants to go back to his place to start the next episode. “I’m done for tonight,” I say and flag down a taxi.
He seems titillated that my profile advertised my desire to date men just a little bit younger than me. We kiss through the open window and agree: to be continued. Andy and I text over the weekend while fantasies spin in my brain: What shall I do next with my new young lover? There’s no energy behind the words on the screen, no urgency, no real rapport.
Your resolve to succeed will keep you strong when shocks and surprises threaten to throw you off your game.
A powerful new dose of intense physicality in your sex life may blow the top off your prior limitations.
What to expect in 2017: This year is all about persistence and determination in relationships.
You’ll be practicing and perfecting your relationship skills, and the bigness of what you desire in partnership is swelling through you.
Your January prediction: You’re already making huge plans for the year, but the best way for you to kick off 2017 is by relaxing.
(Do it while you can because things’ll get crazier later in the year.) A sensitive connection is spearheading your arousal nature.
Your relationship will thrive if you’re clear about your needs.